This past week, I began my junior year of college. Not only did classes begin, but I also contracted some sort of sinus infection. By the time I got through it, I had broken at least two fevers, stayed up three or four nights in a row coughing, and finished a box of tissues by myself. I had been irritable and bitchy (though that’s really not unusual). While I can, in part, attribute a lot of the anger to the actual illness, the reasons behind my sullen attitude have far more to do with a set of abstract changes in my psyche. The idea that I’m slowly approaching actual adulthood and won’t be in school this time two years from now led me to have what I can only refer to as an existential crisis.

Thursday afternoon, I ordered my college class ring. I know that a lot of people don’t buy high school or college rings because they simply won’t wear them, but that has never been the case with me. I wore my High School class ring for four years and just recently stopped this past summer. The decision to buy a college class ring, then, was a no-brainer, particularly because my eventual alma mater’s ring is extremely recognized. I’m not really sure what did it; perhaps it was the foggy mind that comes with a sinus infection, maybe it was the realization that there is less of college left than I’ve already completed- in all actuality, it was probably a combination of all these things, but this tangible manifestation of college’s imminent and ever-approaching finale shook me to the core.

Now, don’t get me wrong- I freak out a lot, about everything. I start studying for an exam no less than seven days in advance and a day has gone to waste if I don’t spend at least 70% of it on homework. I’m not certain where this anxiety originates; I was never like this in high school. In fact, I was rather laissez-faire at Steel Valley. I participated in so many extracurriculars and spending three hours on homework seemed like far too much. When I got to college, however, something broke inside of me and suddenly, I never felt like anything I did would be satisfactory. If I didn’t get a 100% on an assignment, I considered it a failure. I didn’t make any friends because of A. Problems back home and B. I considered everything and everyone a distraction. I formed some sort of perfection complex that only ended up being a source of worry.

I’ve calmed down a lot since Fall 2010. I understand now that graduating from Duquesne with a 4.0 is not the ultimate goal- rather, graduating at all, healthily and happily is something that is attainable and won’t simultaneously send me to a psychiatrist. It took me two years to figure this out, though, and all of a sudden when I placed that class ring on my finger for sizing, a new set of worries began to develop. If I needed two years to adjust to college, how was I going to be able to function in actual society? Even worse, I don’t have any definite plans for after graduation. I don’t know if I want to go to grad school or immediately get a job- I dream of moving to New York or London, the two cities that have always seemed to be where I belong. But how do I get there? And how do I survive there? Will I actually get a job with my degrees or will I have to work in a coffee shop to get by? Think about the cost of living, the actual process of moving out on your own to a city that you’ve never lived in, completely on your own. And speaking of being on your own- will I ever have someone to rely on? To just love me? To remind me that it’s okay to be imperfect? To save me from my worst critic- myself?

I know how crazy this all sounds- I’m 20 years old, I should just deal with college right now, everything will fall into place because what’s meant to be will be- but for someone who everyone thinks has it all figured out, has this grand 50 year plan with dates for marriage and babies and retirement- not knowing where I’m going and what I’m doing is the single most terrifying realization I have ever had. I got through it, though, and the understandings I’ve reached since that existential crisis are the real reason I’m writing this.

1. It’s really ok that I don’t know what I’m doing. And it’s ok if you don’t either. Honestly. We will figure it out. Look at it from my perspective: I still have two full years before graduation. In that period of time, I have classes to take, professors to listen to, advisers to talk to, friends to deal with, and plans to make. Just because I don’t have a defined course now doesn’t mean that when I don that royal blue cap and gown next May that I’ll still be in this situation.

2. I’m allowed to change my mind. I already did it once, almost two years ago. When biology didn’t work out and I turned to writing, I had a similar existential crisis. I thought my world was crumbling around me because I had no idea who I was anymore. But I got through that no worse for wear. No matter how big the problem seems at the time, on the other side it doesn’t feel like it should have been a problem at all.

3. Friends and boyfriends and all those great relationships that I’m terrible at will work themselves out in the end. In the last week alone I’ve had a lot to think about- people from the past coming forward and reclaiming their positions in my life, people from the present affirming why they deserve my time, and people that may be very important in the future starting to prove themselves. Instead of trying to analyze everything, I’ve learned that it’s far better to just sit back and enjoy the ride. Enjoyment from being in someone’s company doesn’t require an explanation- if it’s working the way things are, don’t try to fix or alter anything. If these relationships are meant to be something more, they’ll become more. If not, another friendship is simply another blessing.

4. There’s no point in worrying about the future or the past- the only thing that I can control fully is the way that I react to the things that are in my present. And right now, in this moment? Life is pretty damn good.

So yeah, I am getting older. I’m maturing and learning and growing. There’s a lot of things that I know about myself that I didn’t know last week, but there are so many things that I have yet to discover. I don’t know what I’m doing when it comes to boys or what I want to do in the future. But I do know that picking Duquesne was the best decision I ever made, I have excellent taste in friends, and whatever happens will happen. When it comes to the end, I’ll understand why certain events and people came into my life in the first place.

The ring is not a death sentence- rather, it is a symbol of how far I’ve come and still how much further I have left to go.

What’s that familiar song, ringing through my head?

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.