Snap out of this. Stop being defined by what other people think of you. Or how they disappoint you. It’s lonely at the top, you know that. What’s that song about overcoming professional and personal disappointments? “When you’re smiling, when you’re smiling, the whole world smiles with you.” (Rachel Berry, Glee)

I sincerely apologize for how long it has been since I’ve posted anything, but I have an explanation as to why it took me this long to find my way back.

A lot of things have happened since December, things I could not have foreseen occurring in my wildest dreams. People I thought would always be around up and left. And I don’t just mean casual acquaintances- When the friends you planned on being your bridesmaids one day decide that you’re just not good for them anymore and suddenly walk out, there’s a lot of thinking and readjusting that has to be done. For the longest time, my words had run dry- writing has always been my outlet, but I lost my muse and was left feeling like I didn’t have anything left to say. This entire summer, I mostly just sat around a lot, longing to go back to school and be with the people that I thought appreciated me.

Finally, August began drawing to a close and I moved back to my beloved Bluff- only for things to once again take a turn for the worse. Classes began on Monday and I somehow ended up the sickest I’ve been in a long time.  Additionally, I’ve been irritated by everything and everyone, unmotivated and upset. I made promises I more than likely can’t keep and I’ve been disappointed no less than three or four times. People who I really did think were my friends have gone behind my back and said some pretty terrible things. I don’t let my guard down for just anyone- it’s actually rare for me to open up to new people because at this point I just expect to be let down or used. Less than a week back with all of us in one place and those expectations were fulfilled. On top of all this, I worry about basically every possible thing that there is to worry about. I am perpetually anxious about school, grades, friends, professors, etc.

For so long, I expected school to be my haven, the light at the end of the dark tunnel that was Summer 2012. But it hasn’t been, at least not the way that I hoped it would be. At one point last night I felt so bad that the thought of transferring actually crossed my mind, which is infinitely ridiculous because I have a full scholarship and I’m already a junior. But I feel so trapped, so discontent. I can’t be at home and I can’t be at school. I feel like a stranger in both the places that I’m supposed to belong, unwanted and under-appreciated. I broke down with actual tears for the first time in I don’t even know how long.

And then suddenly and without warning or reason, I had this overwhelming desire to write. But what about? As I sat alone on the couch in my living room, it suddenly came to me after reading the quote posted at the top of this entry- I had to write about me; the one subject that I try to avoid at all costs. Because, just like Rachel, I have to snap out of this. I have to reclaim my words and make them my own again. I have to stop worrying about what other people think of me because it certainly hasn’t done me any good. I have to start ignoring the disappointment and not let it affect me. I’ve been lonely for the greater part of this existence, but I’m ok with that because it’s the only way I know how to function, the single solitary means for my survival- not letting others in and pushing out the ones who let me down. I desperately need to start writing again, whether it be about my life or about the things I used to post here; books, movies, songs, etc.

The only way to start smiling again is to take back what is mine and start expressing myself in the most honest way I know how: I have to write.

You were history with the slamming of the door, And I made myself so strong again somehow- And I never wasted any of my time on you since then… It was so long ago, But it’s all coming back to me.